Review: 'Conan The Barbarian' Is All Muscle & No Heart

By Michael Lopez

Obviously you don't expect an Oscar-worthy story when you're standing in line to see Conan The Barbarian. But with the millions of dollars the filmmakers have spent on special effects, locations, and makeup for this movie, you'd think they could have dropped at least a few dimes on dialogue touch ups. Conan isn't "horrendous," but after a nearly 30-year absence from the screen, you kind of expect a little more from the ancient Cimmerion warrior.

The last time we saw Conan in movie theaters was in 1984. Back in those days, it was Arnold Schwarzenegger wearing the trademark loincloth. Obviously a lot has changed since then, which you think would have worked to this re-boot's advantage. With advanced CGI effects and 3D technology, this movie had the potential to take sword and sorcery to an awesome new level. Sadly, it hasn't.

Written as an origin story, Conan follows the life of the famous Cimmerion (who was originally created as a comic book character in the 1930's) from the moment he's "born on the battlefield." You get to see his hunger for action from an early age. And, following a very predictable plot, his emotions get fixated on vengeance after his father is killed by the vicious Khalar Zym.

Flash forward a few years and the young Conan is now played by Jason Momoa. Flossing guns as big as the Governator's, Momoa actually does a decent job in his portrayal of the brooding anti-hero. But even the best actor can't save a film from cheesy one-liners and lame subplots.

Though we've loved Rose McGowan in much of her other work (particularly Robert Rodriguez' Death Proof), she seems to be hamming it up a bit too much with her role as Marique the witch. Rachel Nichols also has a fantastic movie resume (Star Trek, G.I Joe), but struggles as Conan's haphazard love interest.

Perhaps the worst part of all is the 3D afterthought that director Marcus Nispel has thrown into the mix. After seeing the medium work so well in movies like Final Destination 5, it's a shame to see it wasted on unspectacular fluff from the Dark Ages. Two shiny swords down for this movie!

Bottom line: Leaving the theater after Conan the Barbarian can actually make you a bit sad. Not because of any emotional scenes in the movie, but because this franchise has so much potential. Magic witches, brave warriors, giant dragons…You catch our drift. Somehow the movie makers missed the Barbarian mark with this one, but not to worry. You can still get your fix with Game of Thrones.

Are you a fan of the classic Conan movies? Sound off in the comments or @MTV3.

Tags Blogger: Michael Lopez, Conan the Barbarian, Jason Momoa, Marcus Nispel, Movie Reviews, Movies & CineMás, Rachel Nichols, Rose McGowan